Blowing Out The Candles

Wendy's Top 13 Birthday Wishes

1) Whatever the Hell My Man got me. The Master Gift Giver Of The Universe tells me I'll get my present this evening. At this point all I know is that it's small-ish and he's known for months what he was going to give me. Jewelery would be the obvious guess, but I don't think that's it....

2) A State Budget. This is probably too much to hope for from the politicians of California.

3) World Peace.

4) A Beatles Reunion. Is it too much to ask that George Harrison and John Lennon rise from the dead?

5) My own private library. Hell, I've got the books - just not the space.

6) Maggie Osborne to come out of retirement and start writing again.

7) Lunch with Phyl. Oh wait, did that yesterday! She's in town for a family wedding and is staying very, very close to where my office is.

8) Western romances to make a comeback and flood the market.

9)







10) To have Nora adopt me. I could be the daughter she never had, or probably even wanted. Ok, so that's not terribly realistic.....

11) To have Ewan McGregor adopt me. Yeah, much more realistic.

12) A Greek Tycoon. I'm sure the editorial department for Harlequin Presents has a couple of extras stuffed in a broom closet somewhere.

13) A job that requires me to sit at home, read all day and watch Law & Order reruns. With an employer willing to pay me, at least, my current salary. Surprisingly, this is a harder job to find than one would think.

There's No I In Team

13 Sports Terms That Sound Kinda Dirty
My Man and I watch an obscene amount of sports, and we both have the sense of humor of 12 year old boys. These are sports terms or things we've heard announcers say over the years that struck us as "kinda naughty." Enjoy!

1) He Could Go All The Way! American football. Basically when a guy catches the ball and runs a long ass way to the end zone for a touchdown. Dirty comment: I certainly hope so, otherwise I'll be really disappointed.

2) Tight End. Honorable mention? Hall Of Fame Tight End. American football. An offensive position player. Dirty comment: Mmmmmm, tight ends.....

3) Good wood. Baseball. When a player solidly hits the ball he got "good wood." Dirty comment: I certainly hope so, otherwise I'll be really disappointed.

4) Ball handling skills. Basketball. Refers to dribbling, passing, basically how well the player handles the basketball. Dirty comment: Well, basketball players do have big hands....

5) Illegal touching. A penalty in American football. Not just anyone can catch the football. For example, the only time an offensive lineman can catch the ball is when he declares himself as an "eligible receiver" or the ball is first touched/tipped by a defensive player. Dirty comment: Isn't Roman Polanski still a fugitive because of this?

6) Driving to the hole. Basketball. Basically a guy charging to the basket to make a shot. Dirty comment: Geez, hopefully the guy doesn't get lost because you know he won't stop and ask for directions.

7) Squeeze Play. Baseball. Runner standing on third base and the batter sacrifice bunts. The idea is that the batter will get thrown out at first, while the guy on third runs home to score. Dirty comment: Ouch!

8) Pick and roll. Basketball. An offensive play in which a player stops to block a defender for a teammate handling the ball and then slips behind the defender to accept a pass. Dirty comment: Friday night at your favorite seedy bar.

9) Deep ball. Baseball. Home run. Dirty comment: Well it sounds like fun in theory, but it might hurt....

10) Long ball. Baseball. Home run. And often used in the sentence "Chicks dig the long ball." For the record? Yeah, we do. Dirty comment: Guys, when your doctor tells you to turn your head and cough, pray you don't turn around to find him looking confused.

11) Winners always want the ball in their hands at the end. Basketball. Super star or "clutch" players who make the game winning shot. Think Michael Jordan in pretty much every playoff game he was ever in. Dirty comment: Given the amount of groupies that stalk NBA players, I'm sure Michael had plenty of volunteers to help him in this department.

12) Rode him hard to the finish. Horse racing. Self-explanatory. Dirty comment: I'm flushed....I need a cold shower....what was I doing?....oh yeah, need to finish this list.

13) Missed him deep. American Football. Quarterback chucks the ball down the field, only to over-throw his deep receiver (tee hee). Dirty comment: This sounds painful and unfortunate. I'm also pretty sure it would require a trip to the ER.

Assuming Your Goal Is Longevity

Thirteen Songs That Should Never Be Played At A Wedding
(at least if you're hoping to stay married for more than an hour)

1) Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac - First line of this song? "Loving you, isn't the right thing to do." Yeah. In fact, with the possible exception of You Make Loving Fun, it's probably a good idea to avoid the entire Rumours album when you're looking for wedding music.

2) Me And Mrs. Jones by Billy Paul - Paul damn near rips the listener's heart out on this track, but it's probably not a good idea to play a song about a man's clandestine affair with a married woman at a wedding. Just saying.

3) Poison by Bell Biv Devoe - Best line in this whole song? "Never trust a big butt and smile." OK, so basically you're telling the bride you 1) don't trust her and 2) that she has a big butt. Guys, if you want to play with fire - feel free. Just make sure the Little Mrs. doesn't have access to any guns.

4) You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette - Really people. This one is self-explanatory.

5) Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood - Groom beware. She loves you, but dip your pen in someone else's ink and personal property damage is in your immediate future. Although it's better than her destroying precious parts of your manly anatomy...

6) Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue - Ahhh, the Crue. The Boys Of Romance. This ode to strippers is probably not the best wedding material. Depending on who you're marrying of course.

7) Every Breath You Take by The Police - Nothing says I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you quite like crazy stalker music.

8) Use Me by Bill Withers - Love this track, but much like Billy Paul, should not be played anywhere near a wedding. "My friends feel it's their appointed duty. They keep trying to tell me all you want to do is use me."

9) Run For Your Life by The Beatles - John Lennon gets in touch with his inner, creepy misogynist. "Well I'd rather see you dead, little girl/ Than to be with another man." Honey if you haven't run yet, it's too late.

10) I Hate Myself For Loving You by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts - The classic Boy Meets Girl, Keeps Treating Her Like Crap, Girl Keeps Coming Back For More story.

11) Love Her Madly by The Doors - One of the classic Boy Meets Girl, Girl Screws Over Boy songs. "Don't you love her as she's walkin out the door/Like she did one thousand times before."

12) Cat Scratch Fever by Ted Nugent - Ahhh, Uncle Ted. He shares the Mr. Romance title with the Motley Crue boys. "I make the pussy purr with/ The stroke of my hand/ They know they gettin' it from me/ They know just where to go/ When they need their lovin man/ They know I do it for free." So not only is the groom a hound dog, he's probably got a whole pack of various diseases to pass on to his blushing bride. I always have the urge to take a hot shower, with bleach, after hearing this song....

13) I Need A Lover by John Cougar Mellencamp - "I need a lover that won't drive me crazy/Some girl that knows the meaning of/Hey hit the highway!" Truly, haven't we all wished for the same thing at some point in our lives (substituting girl for boy depending on your preference?) That being said, probably not a sentiment you want to express to your blushing bride or groom on your wedding day.

Hey, the weekend's almost here! Let's have some fun in the Bat Cave today. Feel free to add to the list in the comments.

Money To Burn

Thirteen Books That Wendy Has Purchased Recently

A Christmas To Remember by Kay Stockham - I'm a big ol' ho for Christmas books and Harlequin SuperRomances. It's the only reason to explain the fact that I just bought a book that features an amnesia plot.










Untamed Cowboy by Pam Crooks - This has been out forever, and I'm just now getting around to buying it. Luckily for me (or maybe that's unlucky), Harlequin tends to keep their backlist available online for a few months. Another Harlequin Historical western to add to the pile.








In Pursuit of Anna by Natasha Rostova - A naughty Black Lace erotica book. It landed in the basket because it takes place in southern California.











Snowbound by Janice Kay Johnson - Another HSR Christmas book. This has a stranded-in-a-blizzard plot and I tend to enjoy "cabin romances."












On The Wings of Love by Elizabeth Lane - Sybil told me this one is really good. I've enjoyed Lane's books in the past and this one features an early 20th century time period. We should all buy it just on principal.









The Angel and the Outlaw by Kathryn Albright - This is a debut Harlequin Historical and it's a western. But what's really cool about it? It takes place in Southern California, a setting that you don't see all that often in westerns (don't ask me why).







A Town Called Christmas by Carrie Alexander - Yes, another HSR and yes, more Christmas. I tend to really enjoy Alexander's HSR books, which is why I picked this one up.










Betting on Santa by Debra Salonen - You know the drill by now right? Christmas and HSR = Wendy buying. I was also intrigued by the poker storyline.












Tongue in Cheek by Tabitha Flyte - More Black Lace erotica. This has been on the wishlist for a while because it features an older heroine/younger hero plot.










Suite Seventeen by Portia Da Costa - I really liked The Tutor, an earlier Black Lace title by Da Costa. This one intrigued me because the heroine is in her forties - which I think is pretty darn awesome for an erotica novel.









Bound in Blue by Monica Belle - Um, OK. I'll admit it. I dig this cover. It sets off my naughty-librarian-bells. I also think the plot sounds intriguing. Another Black Lace erotica title, this one featuring a university professor who falls under the spell of her female boarder.








The Cowboy by Vonna Harper, P.J. Mellor, Nelissa Donovan, and Nikki Alton - Do I really need to explain myself here? I mean, look at this cover! It's an erotica anthology about cowboys! Seriously, how could I resist? Even if every story is barely readable, this book was worth it just for that cover model.






A Gentle Rain by Deborah Smith - I love the way Smith writes characters, and as a general rule I tend to get sucked into her stories. Basically what I'm saying is that this was a must-have-autobuy.

Oh Michigan, My Michigan

Thirteen Things That Make Michigan Great And Wendy Homesick
(by way of explanation, I'm originally from MI and only live in California for the beautiful weather, movie star governors, picturesque wildfires, earthquakes, ocean breezes, and good jobs. Yeah, it's all about the job)

1) Mackinac Island Fudge Ice Cream - Mackinac Island is an island (well duh) in northern MI and the state's tourist trap. Hopeless romantics will know the island from the cheesy Jane Seymour/Christopher Reeve movie Somewhere In Time. It's quaint. It's lovely. There are no cars allowed on the island and they have the best damn fudge in the world. Someone decided to take that fudge and put it in ice cream and so was born what is commonly referred to as Wendy Crack. I used to mainline this stuff in high school, even eating it for breakfast - because ice cream is the breakfast of champions. Unfortunately it's not available outside the state of MI, which is probably a good thing because I no longer have the metabolism of a hummingbird.

2) Meijer - Oh how I miss Meijer (pronounced My-Er). It's like a Super WalMart without all the pesky labor violation allegations. If you can't find it at Meijer, you can't find it anywhere. Buy a gallon of milk, spark plugs, new underwear, and the latest Harlequin all in one place.

3) Ted Nugent - The Motor City Madman, Uncle Ted and the poet laureate of Michigan. "I make the pussy purr with the stroke of my hand; They know they gettin' it from me; They know just where to go when they need their lovin man;they know I do it for free" Oh good times! Would you believe my younger sister refused to use these highly romantic lyrics from Cat Scratch Fever in her wedding vows?! That girl always lacked good taste.

4) My family - Awwwwwww.

5) Cute kids - My older sister's kids. Look at how cute the little wieners are (click on picture to enlarge and get full cuteness overload)


6) Hot chicks - This one is for The Boyfriend. Now you'd think living in southern California that it would be "hot chick" overload but The Boyfriend loves Midwestern girls. Adores them to bits. And hey, Playboy has more than once declared the girls of the Big Ten the hottest college girls - and who are we to argue with Playboy?

7) Bell's Beer - This is a local brewery in Kalamazoo (I got a gal...), and they have this kick ass summer brew called Oberon. It's like beer on crack. Nothing finer than sitting in the backyard on a humid day, firing up the grill, and downing the Oberons until your eyes cross. They need to start distributing to California. Like yesterday.

8) Aretha Franklin - The Queen Of Soul has lived in Michigan for many years. We adore her.

9) Motown - Easily some of the best music ever recorded. I tend to prefer the male acts myself - Marvin Gaye, The Temptations, Stevie Wonder,The Four Tops etc. Frankly, I just don't think it was the same once Berry Gordy got a bee up his butt and moved the whole operation to Los Angeles. Yeah, we got the Jackson 5 out of the deal - but maybe Michael wouldn't have gone so crazy if they had stayed in the Midwest. Just saying.

10) Da U.P. eh! - The Upper Peninsula. That strip of land that sits between Canada and Lake Superior. It's lovely up there. Lots of trees, lots of deer, and a whole lot of eccentrics. If you like scenery, it's the place to be.

11) Madonna - You can run but you cannot hide chica. Frankly she's been trying to make people forget (for years) that's she's from Bay City, but we claim her anyway. If only for the fact that she wants everyone to forget and Michiganders are just evil that way.

12) The Great Lakes - I love how Californians think they've got the monopoly on beach life. Michigan is surrounded by water, and there are hundreds of smaller lakes dotting the interior. Hey, you can't surf there, but you can certainly loll about and give yourself skin cancer all the same.

13) The Sports - Michigan is a great sports state. They have great basketball (Pistons), baseball (Tigers) and hockey (Red Wings) teams. Of course, we also have to admit to the football (Lions) team. Oh well, you take the good with the bad.